r/welcometosouthapp - Welcome to South App #3:

Friday, August 14th, 2020

“I already informed you: I don’t fucking know!”

Connor, the bowl-cut nerd from the 300 Corridor, sat strapped in a chair in a candle-lit den. A person carrying a beaver costume towered over him. The beaver held a swap, hooked up to a wire that ran straight to electrodes on Connor’s nipples. This was the Nipplizer 50Okay.

The beaver pointed at a whiteboard that learn What was Chadwick Hughes’ favourite intercourse place?

“Um,” Connor mumbled, shaking his head feverishly. “W-was it…the Amazon place?”

Connor squealed because the machine shocked him with 50,000 volts. Then, the beaver ripped the electrodes off his puffy, purple nipples. He leaned into Connor’s ear, his masks smelling like a well-known sandalwood cologne.

“Sir Chad was all about doggystyle,” the beaver muttered. “Didn’t a lot look after seeing the lady’s face.”

Instantly, two large safety guards entered the room in black fits and sun shades. “Toss him within the ice bathtub,” the beaver commanded. “Let ‘em cool off them pepperoni nips!”

“Nooo!” Connor protested because the guards dragged the chair throughout the hardwood flooring.

His voice echoed hopelessly down the corridor. Alone, the beaver stared up at a portrait on the wall. The primary president of Beta Delta Epsilon’s South App chapter: Sir Chadwick Hughes. Armed with a chiseled jaw and a pomade-powered haircut, he had constructed this brotherhood on the foundations of freedom, loyalty, and authorized alcohol gross sales on Sunday. Chadwick had died lengthy earlier than that latter dream had been realized. However rumor had it his ashes lay buried beneath this very fraternity home within the coronary heart of Greek row.

As an apart, Chadwick earned the “Sir” title after he had as soon as fist-bumped Paul McCartney at a Benihana’s. Noice.

Excessive heels approached the doorway. “My, oh my!” a southern voice cooed. “Now you, like, completely did a quantity on that poor boy! Didn’t ya…Winston?”

Winston eliminated his beaver masks and confronted Claire Dansby: BDE’s token feminine Social Chair. She strutted as much as him in a crimson cocktail costume and matching stilettos. Final week on the karaoke bar, Winston had caught Claire’s eye by singing a Toby Keith ballad. Whereas the apathetic hipsters have been taking part in on their telephones, Claire had hopped on stage to sing alongside. After shopping for her a number of dry martinis, he had scored an invite to hurry with BDE. The catch: Winston wouldn’t be receiving the hazing. He could be delivering it.

“Chad’s favourite intercourse place,” Claire learn the whiteboard. “Hmmm…I reckon he, like, completely knew the Kamasutra higher than his personal momma.”

“I, Chadwick Hughes, solemnly swear to strive each place at the least as soon as, besides the Amazon place,” Winston recited, straight out of the late president’s diary.

“You, like, completely did your homework!”

Downstairs, they heard a splash, adopted by Connor’s blood-curdling scream.

Claire stroked Winston’s beard, then patted the fuzzy chest of his costume. “Are you, like, completely able to hit the city, massive man? There’ll be loads of victims…I imply pledges so that you can, like, befriend tonight.”

Tonight was the BDE Bike Run: an endurance take a look at of bodily, psychological, and testicular fortitude. A handful of freshmen would strap on bike helmets to battle for the title of Brother. Winston and Claire have been the judges. In his eyes, the less folks pledging meant the less folks in his method between Claire and him. And as Winston watched her hourglass determine stroll away, he decided there could be very, only a few folks getting by way of.


In Firewater Corridor, Gigi had stuffed a towel below the door to hotbox her room. She sprawled on the futon, dressed down in free sweats and a comfortable purple shirt that she had stolen from Tai. On the espresso desk was a full unfold: a pita chip and hummus tray, low-cost weed from Evelyn, Nintendo Change controllers, an enormous bag of Bitter Patch Children, empty cans of Crimson Bull, and a pint of Jägermeister.

Gigi had by no means tasted liquor earlier than. However after the Honors Program had rejected her, she’d determined now was the right time. Apparently, a 5,000-word essay about Winston’s consuming habits didn’t impress the distinguished school. So she resigned herself to sipping Jägerbombs whereas binging re-runs of The Workplace.

Instantly, Gigi heard Sarah’s voice as footsteps approached exterior. She hopped up and pressed her physique in opposition to the door, hell-bent on trapping the smoke in that room. The doorknob turned.

“Dude, what the hell?” Sarah muttered. “It’s caught.”

“Whoa, far out,” replied some stoner man. “I’m sensing an evil spirit in these partitions.”

“Dumbass,” Sarah scoffed, bashing the door along with her shoulder between breaths. “This…goddamn…dorm…is….older…than…your sweater!”

“Wait!” Gigi lastly yelled, her knees buckling. “My…um…boyfriend is within the room. So that you most likely shouldn’t are available!”

“Winston?!” Sarah’s voice cracked. “Should you’re in there, I’m gonna draw and quarter your ass!”

Sarah kicked the door clear off one in all its hinges. Gigi’s 120-pound physique flew throughout the room like a ragdoll, crashing into the beanbag chair. Weed smoke dispersed down the corridor, and her hotbox was formally ruined.

“Whoooa, that was tits!” mentioned the stoner, sporting lengthy brown hair and a Jesus beard.

“You perv!” Gigi scolded, capturing to her ft and overlaying her chest.

“Oh, candy summer time little one,” Sarah laughed at her. “See, my new good friend, Tweed, was utilizing “tits” to emphasise how cool it was if you went sling-shotting throughout the room like a trebuchet. Apart from, Tweed would by no means hit on you…or anyone for that matter.”

“Proper on,” Tweed affirmed, flashing a peace signal. “I’m an asexual vegan Rastafarian. My pronouns are they/them. Welcome to Asheville.” Lending to his title, this man wore an unpleasant tweed sweater that draped over his holy denims.

“I see…um, I’m Gigi!” she greeted, returning the peace signal. She pointed on the door that held on for expensive life on a single hinge. “So, Sarah, I couldn’t assist however discern that you just morphed right into a flying mammal out of Hades upon my impromptu fib of Winston and yours really!

Sarah digested her phrases. Then, an overdramatic gag on the considered her brother and her roommate knocking boots. “Anywho, Tweed and I are about to move on the Woke Metropolis Bar Crawl to study all of the slacktivist methods we are able to make this shitty world rather less shitty. You must be a part of us…because it appears to be like such as you’ve been pre-gaming already.”

Gigi hiccuped, tasting the new, tart Jäger on her tongue. “Rely me in!” she cheered, stuffing the pint into her purse.

“Now that’s a complete righteous transfer,” Tweed declared. “Let’s go smoke and get woke!”


Claire laughed maniacally as she sped by way of downtown Asheville in a golf cart. Beaver-suit Winston sat within the again seat, going through seven drunk school college students who tailed them on bicycles. The BDE Bike Run was formally underway.

“I say we hit ‘em with, like, one thing completely harmful!” Claire yelled. The cyclists huffed and puffed in pursuit – all besides one. Main the pack was a suave, tan Italian man in an Italy Nationwide Soccer jersey. Pedaling with lengthy, toned legs, he refused to interrupt a sweat. Winston smirked below his masks, reaching right into a cardboard field of goodies.

“So lengthy, pepperoncini!” Winston yelled, lifting a bucket of motor oil and dousing the road. The Italian and one other pledge crossed the oil slick with no hitch. However three others felt their wheels wobble, then pummeled into the bushes.

“They’re, like, completely dangerous drivers!” Claire giggled. “Now, getcha one thing good to cease that attractive tan man in entrance.”

“Say no extra, ma’am,” Winston muttered, withdrawing a rusty iron chain. He twirled it like a lasso, then launched it straight for the Italian’s tire. However this mysterious man smirked, winked at Winston, and jetted to the facet. The chain coiled round one other man’s tire, sending him head-first into the Basilica’s Virgin Mary statue.

Claire stopped at a crimson gentle. There have been three freshmen left: the anonymous Italian and two poster-child frat boys named Chad and Taggart. Winston stood up in his seat. “Hey, assholes! Crimson gentle means drink.”

The three chugged from their sports activities bottles. Tagg and Chad struggled to wolf their drinks down. However the Italian completed his, refusing to interrupt eye contact with Winston. With a smile, Claire sipped on a tall vanilla milkshake.

“Like, do you suppose they even know what hit ‘em?” Claire cackled.

“I reckon one of them will in a minute,” Winston replied.

Instantly, Chad collapsed to the bottom, taking his bicycle with him. He started coughing his lungs out, pounding the pavement along with his fists. Claire hopped out of her seat and walked over.

“My, oh, my,” Claire teased, sipping her shake as Chad squirmed within the fetal place. “Seems such as you, um, completely drew the brief straw! See, your bottle’s an excellent ole combine of sunshine beer and bona fide ghost pepper oil!”

The fortunate Tagg and Italian watched as Chad crawled on fingers and knees, reaching for Claire’s milkshake like a child.

“Hmm,” Claire mused, chewing her straw. “So your title’s Chad, I reckon?”

“F-fuck you, b-b-bitch!” he hacked and coughed.

“Awww, take a look at you!” Claire continued. “The hunk named Chad who based our chapter would have completely drunk that for breakfast along with his post-coital bacon and eggs. You’re, like, a complete pussy! So be an excellent pussy and, like, unfold your legs.”

Winston’s, Tagg’s, and the Italian’s gaze shifted from amusement to confusion. However slowly, Chad unfold his legs, swearing as he wiped sweat from his eyes. Claire giggled, turning round to take a protracted, satisfying sip.

Then, she lifted her excessive heel and stomped Chad’s crotch.

Chad’s wailing scream may have rattled the late Chadwick’s corpse. The three of them stared in shock whereas Claire poured the remainder of her shake onto Chad’s face. She walked over to Winston and eliminated his masks.

“You have been, like, fucking sensible!” Claire cheered, stroking his beard. “Tagg and tortellini: he positive did a quantity on y’all, however you completely beat the chances! Let’s return to the home so you possibly can, like, pledge and shit.”

However this anonymous Italian walked straight previous Claire and kneeled at Chad’s facet. He eliminated his personal jersey – his six-pack abs bulging by way of his undershirt – and wiped the milkshake off Chad’s beet-red face.

“Um, hellooo?” Claire known as out whereas the Italian continued to nurse Chad. “Ugh. Seems like now we have, like, a whole straggler.” Claire hopped again within the driver’s seat and began the ignition. “Disgrace on you, spaghetti boy!” she yelled. “You have been virtually as dashing as my burly beaver-man!”

“Alas, such blind immorality,” the thriller man scolded in a thick Italian accent. “Why, your charlatan legacy will taint this metropolis just like the Bubonic Plague!”

She checked out him with pity and acceptance. “Welp, come on, you two! We’ll have some Swedish hookers on the home. They’ll be dying to, like, give y’all a heat welcome to Beta Delta Epsilon!”

Apparently, that was sufficient for Tagg. He plopped down on the again seat, ripping a beer fart on influence. “Come awn, mascawt,” Tagg mentioned in a backwoods Mississippian accent. “All dat positive does sound lawk enjoyable. Ah neva been wahlcomed to anythang.”

All people waited on Winston’s subsequent transfer. Claire twirled her blonde hair, Chad licked a gob of milkshake from the pavement, and Tagg tried to include his abdomen tremors. The Italian stared with chilly, calculating eyes as Winston made the choice to climb within the passenger’s seat.

Claire grabbed Winston’s shoulders and leaned in shut. “I’m gonna, like, do issues to you in mattress that might completely, like, make my momma want she had an abortion!”

The golf cart sped by way of the darkish Asheville streets towards Greek Row.


“Get out of the fuckin’ highway, moron!” Sarah yelled.

A shit-faced Gigi stumbled in the course of the road. Sarah grabbed her arms, yanking her onto the sidewalk. A break up second later, a golf cart whizzed by. Gigi sat Indian model, reaching for eye squiggles in entrance of her face. She turned again to Sarah and Tweed, who started rolling a joint.

“How…how did you get so tall?” a drunk Gigi slurred, staring up at her by way of glassy eyes.

“As a result of God fucking hates me,” slurred the drunk 5’11” Sarah. She snatched Tweed’s joint and took successful. “It’s a blessing and a curse. All the lads are too brief and all of the canine are too scared.”

“Effectively, all of the canine wish to eat me,” responded the 5’3” Gigi. “Or possibly… they suppose I’m one in all them?”

“Fuuuck, now I…now I need a…uh, a canine,” Sarah mentioned.

“Oh, me too!” Gigi chimed in. “We’ll sneak him into the dorm and he can sleep in my mattress!”

“You raging mutt!” Sarah spat. “The canine sleeps with me. You’ll be able to clear up after his completely happy accidents.”

Gigi began to cry. Sarah took one lengthy hit of weed, then flicked the joint at Gigi’s brow. Tweed noticed these two feral roommates of their pure habitat.

“It appears to be like such as you non-binary members of the human species appear to take pleasure in ingesting,” Tweed declared. “To not point out canine. I simply so occur to know a spot the place we are able to do each. Subsequent cease on the Woke Metropolis Bar Crawl is Lazy Tail Tavern! The place all people will get so drunk off craft beer, that they undertake one of many bar’s four-legged buddies!”

Gigi and Sarah wagged their imaginary tails in pleasure. Tweed led the best way previous a number of native espresso outlets and pizzerias. Exterior of almost each enterprise have been canine bowls and biscuits: a reminder of the town’s true mascot.

Gigi grabbed Sarah’s hand, forcing her to lag behind. “Um, hey,” Gigi began, making an attempt to sound sober. “Why did you…k-kick down your door? I used to be solely tryin’ to…hold my hotbox. I solely talked about that me Winston have been in there to get you to f-fuck off.”

Sarah paused, blinking away her personal eye swiggles. “Look, my horndog brother began blowing me off for pussy ever since he hit puberty. Truthfully, I don’t care who he dates. But when he ever thinks about hiding it from me, it’ll price him greater than the bed room door.”

In Gigi’s tipsy little head, she tried to make sense of all of it. She reached into her purse and took one other swig of Jäger. “So! Whenever you carried out a flying roundhouse kick, you theoretically sacrificed your collegiate privateness in a last-ditch effort to stop me and your bearded wildebeest of a brother from consummating a one-night stand!”

“Are you in love with Winston Beavers?” Sarah requested. Softly. Significantly.

“What’s that?!” Gigi immediately blurted out, wanting over Sarah’s shoulder. She skittered off towards two male college students sitting on a bench. “The place…can…I…discover…that?” she slurred, pointing on the tallest vanilla milkshake she’d ever seen.

“My stars!” replied the Italian pupil from the Bike Run. “Why, this concoction was birthed in a beautiful creamery down yonder. Could you whet my urge for food by bestowing upon me the pleasure of escorting you there? I beseech you!”

What’s this, what’s this? Gigi requested herself. Any person who talks identical to me?

“Oh, such kindness is aware of no bounds!” Gigi performed alongside. “I bid you humor me in disclosing the geographic origin of that voluptuous accent!”

“With ease, younger lass! I’m known as Francisco of the Rossi household, from Verona. However those that make such a delicate acquaintance as yours might humbly seek advice from me as Frank.” He prolonged a hand. “Alas, it’s to my nice delight that I take up residency within the States on scholarship to partake within the lovely sport of soccer.”

“And I’m Ji-hye of the Moon dynasty – from the sleepless streets of Seoul, South Korea!” She shook his hand. “However on account of your neighborly, theatrical aura, I bestow upon thee the privilege of referring to me as Gigi! Oh, soccer…mayhaps I bore witness to your athletic prowess in the course of the house opener?”

“Two fuckin’ peas in a pod,” Sarah scoffed to Tweed as they walked over to the group. “Think about that. They’ve mastered the English language, and but no one understands shit they are saying.” Sarah propped her elbow on Gigi’s shoulder. “Hey roomie, right here’s a chunk of recommendation. Your new good friend is speaking about soccer. Not American soccer, retard.”

“Whoa, dude,” Tweed mused. “You must solely reserve that heavy phrase for the Ethical Majority. If folks see us throwing it round like company bailouts, it loses its which means.”

Gigi cleared her throat. “Frank, these are my buddies: Sarah and Tweed. Um…does your good friend right here have a reputation?”

The downtrodden red-faced frat boy mentioned nothing, often sipping his milkshake whereas staring into house.

“He definitely does,” Frank replied, standing up like his lawyer. “He’s the one known as Chad. And this Chad is a noble man of utmost stature, whose aforementioned the Aristocracy bore witness to against the law in opposition to humanity – of ever-so-deviant acts impressed upon him by a clique of prima donnas.”

“Yeah, in layman’s phrases,” Chad muttered, “we tried our damndest to pledge with Beta Delta Epsilon. And we bought fuckin’ humiliated. Effectively, I did at the least.”

Tweed took successful of weed and knelt down at Chad’s ft. “Whoa, you imply that fraternity of wealthy belief fund infants? As a result of fuck these retards! There you go, Sarah. There’s a very PC use of that phrase.”

Tweed gave Sarah a crisp high-five. She chuckled, glancing over at Gigi. However not as soon as had she taken her eyes off of Frank.

“Idiot me twice, disgrace on me,” Chad admitted. “As a result of I attempted to hurry with them final 12 months as a freshman. Issues didn’t work out then both.”

“I can sense you’re not like these meat-headed neanderthals,” Tweed mentioned, putting his hand over Chad’s coronary heart. “It is advisable defect from the Greek life-style and do one thing healthful for the world.”

“Possibly so,” Chad contemplated, standing up. “However not earlier than I get a style of candy fuckin’ revenge. See, there’s this big rush social gathering that’ll begin any minute now on the BDE frat home. And I wanna fuck their shit up. For that bitch Claire. And particularly for the president: Ryan.”

“And lest we overlook the cowardly bearded beast, who disguised his countenance beneath a skinny beaver veneer,” Frank interjected. “Alas, his title I do know not.”

“You’re an entire poet!” Gigi blurted out, utterly lacking Frank’s reference to Winston.

Chad and Tweed shot her a fast side-eye. Sarah’s face contorted in disgust. Frank raised his thick, brown eyebrows and walked over to Gigi. Earlier than she may react, he reached for her hand and kissed it.

“I thanks humbly,” Frank replied, squeezing Gigi’s hand. “The streets of Asheville shall sing your reward for all eternity.”

Earlier than a drunk Gigi may decide her jaw up from the ground, Tweed stood on the bench. “So what the fuck are we ready for?” Tweed yelled. “Let’s sabotage these wealthy cocksuckers! With some assist, after all.”

Tweed led the others to Lazy Tail Tavern. A dog-friendly bar the place people and canines may freely coexist. The place all dwelling issues shared the identical snacks, water bowls, and heartbeats.

“Namaste,” Tweed greeted the attendant. “These are my new non-binary buddies of the human species: Sarah the Beatnik, Gigi the Meek, Francisco the Poet, and Chad the Weary. And I’m Tweed the Woke. I’m right here to borrow your Tibetan mastiff: Chonk. We’re…taking him on a bit journey.”


“Growth, child!” Winston roared obnoxiously. “Dick shot!”

The ping-pong ball bounced off of Winston’s manhood and landed in Tagg’s crimson Solo cup. Winston had gained yet one more sport of beer pong. He zipped up his pants whereas Claire, Tagg, and everybody else stared in utter shock.

“Drink, you soiled canine!” Winston commanded, pointing at Tagg.

“Aw man,” Tagg groaned, watching the filthy ball bob within the cup of sunshine beer. “Ah actually don’ wanna after it don’ contact yer pecker.”

“Yo, take heed to your fellow pledge and drink,” commanded Ryan Hughes, the son of the late founder Chadwick. Carrying a freshly-starched white Lacoste polo, he stepped as much as Walmart-polo-Tagg. Ryan stared him down till he lastly downed the cup.

Claire leaned in and kissed Winston’s cheek. “You’re, like, completely what BDE is all about. Particularly with that…present of yours!” Winston replied by slipping his arm round her waist and squeezing her ass.

“Brother Tagg!” Ryan yelled, pointing on the Solo cups. “You’re gonna must do one thing about your goal in beer pong, my man. Matter truth, I’m goddamn terrified to see what you’d do to a rest room seat.”

Ryan wasn’t flawed to be involved about rest room etiquette. In any case, Brother Winston and Brother Tagg have been going to be spending rather more of their time on the BDE home, starting tonight. Quickly, the remainder of the brothers would return with their recruited pledges, and the true all-night rager would start.

“Ah do gotta take uh leak although,” backwoods Tagg grunted, stumbling towards the lavatory. “Ah thank I drank an excessive amount of pisswater.”

“Christ, he sounds just like the hick I purchased my moonshine from,” Winston mentioned, taking part in with Claire’s lengthy, blonde hair. “Ya know, Ryan, one of many Alabama boys that I purchased mine from plum-fuckin’ died making my batch.”

“Whoa, you fuck with Alabama moonshine?” Ryan requested in disbelief. “Bro, you’re straight scoring factors in my e-book! Ya know, I heard what you probably did to these pussies downtown. And don’t even get me began about Connor. Fifty-thousand volts to the nipples…yikes! How’s that cuck gonna breastfeed his girlfriend’s daughter?”

“Seems like my man Winston like-like-like-like-like, loves to play a bit tough!” Claire mentioned, discreetly reaching down and pinching his ass. “Matter truth, it’s best to completely strap me to that chair and punish me!”

Instantly, Tagg barged out of the lavatory. “Ah can’t stahp throwing up!” he groaned, limping into the lounge. Chunky, cloudy vomit dribbled down his mouth, throughout his polo and the polished hardwood flooring.

“Fuck!” Ryan yelled, yanking Tagg’s collar. “Yo, Winston, assist me get this man on the garden. I swear to God, if he fucks up my carpet…”

Winston break up from Claire, and he and Ryan restrained Tagg’s shoulders. However utilizing his backwoods Mississippian energy, Tagg flung himself free. He took a number of steps again, pointing a trembling finger in any respect three of them.

“Y’axe…faggots solely need tuh take muh 1500 {dollars} puh semester. Go da fuck awn. Y’axe can hold da free strippers, the free meals, the free booze. I executed informed muh momma I used to be givin’ up da bottle anyhow.”

However on the very point out of alcohol, Tagg’s abdomen rose to his throat. His hazy eyes shot broad open. He circled and proceeded to empty his whole abdomen right into a small, ornate purple vase.

Now Winston was each disgusted and impressed that Tagg managed to not spill a drop on the ground. I’ll be damned, he thought. Now if he can simply enhance his goal in beer pong, we would have ourselves a group.

However Claire, who had been howling with laughter earlier than, now set free a puff. And Ryan’s pores and skin turned from spray-tan gold to AIDS-patient white. He walked over to Tagg, who was nearing blackout on the ground. And as Winston already knew, it wasn’t a matter of if he wished to fuck him up, however how badly.

“Son of a bitch ain’t price it,” Winston muttered, giving Ryan a again pat. “Don’t fear. I’ll make him put up cash for a brand new vase. Even when it means I’ve to shock it out of him.”

Ryan reared again and kicked Tagg within the intestine. He groaned, drooling vomit onto the ground. “It’s not in regards to the fucking cash, bro!” Ryan snapped.

“Let’s go,” Claire whispered in Winston’s ear. “He, like, completely prefers to ship his beatings in non-public.”

Claire circled and headed upstairs. After hesitating, Winston stumbled behind her. He made a fast detour to the corridor rest room, slamming the door to muffle Tagg’s guttural groans. Struggling to maintain his stability, Winston braced his hand in opposition to the wall above the bathroom and started to piss. All this hazing…this ain’t what Chadwick would’ve wished. I reckon he’s rolling in his grave.

Winston entered the darkish den. The fireside was crackling. Winston panned over and noticed Claire Dansby in nothing however crimson excessive heels and an identical thong. She leaned over the again of the torture chair, her modest breasts in full view.

“I reckon I’ve modified my thoughts,” Claire mentioned mischievously. “I, like, completely need you to have a seat.”


“Right here comes the douche parade,” Chad introduced.

The 5 college students and their canine lay in wait behind the hedges on the BDE frat home.

“Right here’s the plan,” Chad continued. “I’ll go in by way of the entrance door and distract Ryan and the brothers. Girls, they’re anticipating hookers, so Frank will probably be our pimp and escort you in. When it’s secure, all people peel off and search for Ryan’s purple Venitian vase. If issues get funky, I’ll give Tweed the sign to let Chonk off his leash to lift hell. In the meantime, Tweed will arrange the mortar on the quad. Once we come out with that vase, we’ll rig it as much as the explosives and provides these motherfuckers the largest gentle present of their goddamn lives.”

“Ah, doth I’ve the privilege to be bestowed the pleasure of your organization on this enterprise?” Frank requested, slipping his arm across the blushing Gigi.

“You definitely might!” Gigi replied, in a cringe-worthy Italian accent.

Gag me with a fork, Sarah thought. At the very least Gigi and Winston are off the menu.

“Look!” Tweed yelled, gripping Chonk’s leash. “It’s their fascist Nationwide Protection, defending their fortified cesspool.”

Connor from the 300 Corridor stood in entrance of the door in an outsized swimsuit and tie. A bunch of pledges approached him.

“G-greetings, gents,” Connor stuttered. “What’s…um, what’s the password?”

In response, one of many brothers reached out and twisted Connor’s nipples. He screeched like a cat in warmth, and the brothers walked inside. Now alone, Connor started to rub his nipples to appease the ache. Instantly, a flying dart pierced the facet of his neck, and he instantly hit the ground.

Everybody regarded up at Tweed, who slipped his blow-dart gun again in his pocket. “Could the gods and goddesses defend you!” he known as out in a conflict cry. “We’ll be on the quad able to fuck these pigs up.”

Tweed and Chonk jogged to the yard. Chad took a deep breath and confidently walked into the home, leaving solely a pimp and his two prostitutes.

“I bid you!” Frank started, “Open up to me the delicacies that the majority fits your refined palate.”

“Who, me?” Sarah requested. “Effectively, I’m your typical bleeding-heart liberal vegan, so-“

“Ah, I urge your kindest pardon,” Frank interrupted. “However my coronary heart yearns to lick the center and style the well being of Miss Gigi as a substitute.”

“Oh!” Gigi piped up. “I take pleasure in Asian meals, however you most likely already knew that. And I’m lactose illiberal so I can’t have dairy…together with that beautiful milkshake from earlier.”

“Lactose illiberal,” Frank repeated slowly as if he had by no means heard of it. “Ah, it seems as if the heavens have opened the floodgates of alternative. I, Francisco Rossi, shall put together a masterful smorgasbord for this lovely girl upon which I gaze. Sure! We will use our ft to squish the ripest grapes. We will use our fingers to squeeze the best teats. Will you will have me?”

“Oh, my!” Gigi gasped, elevating her eyebrows. “Um…nicely, what do you cook dinner precisely?”

“Italian, my love. However that you already knew.”


Within the frat home, Chad swam by way of a sea of pastel polos, elbowing his method into the lounge. Whereas the frat boys took photographs and pumped fists to the Drake music on the audio system, Ryan leaned again in his recliner – a Jack and Coke in hand.

“Effectively, look who the canine dragged in,” Ryan snickered, lighting a Black N’ Gentle.

“Ryan Motherfucking Hughes,” Chad greeted, feigning pleasure. “You realize I simply couldn’t keep away.”

“Higher watch out the place you tread, my man,” Ryan muttered, blowing a wisp of wine-flavored smoke into his face. “Keep in mind the place that bought you final 12 months, cuck?”

Earlier than Chad may reply, Frank barged in with Sarah and Gigi on every arm.

“Pray inform, would you testosterone-fueled carnivores crave some tremendous wenches?” Frank polled the room.

The frat boys hooted and hollered for these “hookers.” Sarah broke away from Frank, making her technique to Ryan.

“You have to be the pinnacle honcho round right here,” Sarah mentioned, eyeing Ryan from the pomade in his hair to the boat footwear on his ft. “I don’t see any chairs, so do you thoughts if I make myself comfy in your lap?”

Sarah promptly took her “seat,” planting a kiss on Ryan’s cheek. He ran his fingers up and down her clean, lengthy legs. “You’re loads youthful than your colleagues from final 12 months’s rush social gathering,” Ryan noticed. Clearly, he was referring to the actual hookers who have been presupposed to have been there.

“I age like tremendous wine, my man,” Sarah lied, brushing her chest in opposition to his face as she stood up. “You don’t raise a finger and I’m going to make you a stiff drink.”

Whereas Sarah distracted Ryan, Frank and Gigi made their method up the lengthy, slender staircase. On the partitions have been portraits of fellow BDE brothers from totally different chapters and bygone eras. One portray caught Gigi’s eye. She froze, admiring a classic portrait of a younger southern gentleman with a beard, monocle, three-piece swimsuit, and white gloves…

Winston, she thought, his goofy smile now seared in his thoughts. And identical to that, a flurry of reminiscences from the previous few weeks hit her over again. The division retailer infiltration. The gang versus Lionell. 100 hours-worth of Winston’s consuming vlogs…

Instantly, Frank reached down and held Gigi’s fingers. “My Gigi! Allow us to abstain from this scheme, and pawn the vase ourselves. That we might make worldwide voyage to my motherland: Italy!”

“I…I can’t,” Gigi mentioned, torn however assured. She turned away, head held excessive, and continued down the corridor.

“My stars,” Frank sighed, following her. “Cupid doth struck your coronary heart lengthy earlier than me?”

“Sure,” she admitted as they arrived on the door resulting in the den.

“Woe is me!” Frank cried out dramatically. “And you’re in love?”

“Madly.” She grabbed the doorknob.

“And to whom have you ever supplied your coronary heart in full?”

Gigi’s thoughts raced as she twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open. “His title? His title is…WINSTON?!

Within the den, a topless Claire glistened with sweat. She was wrapping her arms round a seated Winston, giving him an unique lap dance. Winston whipped his head again to see a spellbound Gigi and Frank. One thought seared in Winston’s thoughts.

Why the hell is Gigi carrying my purple V-neck?

Undeterred, Claire turned to face them, grinding her ass on Winston’s thigh. “It’s, like, loopy rude to enter with out knocking. You may, like, completely see one thing for my man’s eyes solely!”

Tears welled up in Gigi’s massive, brown eyes. Frank slammed the door. Her jaw trembled as she braced her fingers in opposition to the wall to maintain her stability. Looking for the precise phrases, Frank unwrapped one thing from his pocket and slipped it into her mouth.

“What I’ve bestowed upon thee,” Frank defined, “is a selfmade white chocolate espresso truffle with a raspberry core. I bid you to not chew it. Invite it to soften in your tongue and coat your throat. All of your worries shall fade into obscurity.”

Gigi opened her eyes, smiling by way of tears. “It’s…oh! It’s so candy and wealthy. The raspberry. I’m tasting it now! And the espresso. It’s…excellent!”

“Alas, might this be the eve the place you enterprise into the great world of dairy!”

“Will you make me Caprese salad subsequent?” And identical to that, Gigi forgot about every thing she had seen in that den.

Gigi’s cellphone rang. “Guys, get right down to the kitchen – fast!” Sarah hissed. “The vase is below the sink! I’ll distract Ryan when you guys come get it.

Frank and Gigi hopped out the first-story window. Hand-in-hand, they walked across the again door resulting in the eating room. Within the yard, Tweed was in place along with his fireworks rig. He gave them a rock-on signal as Chonk waited on standby.

Within the eating room, the social gathering was reaching a climax. Each square-inch of counter house was sticky with liquor. Pizza crust was scattered about like animal bones. And each chair was occupied by a frat boy’s sweaty ass, with a complementary sorority woman on their lap.

“Gigi, come!” Ryan slurred, as Sarah nonetheless sat on his lap. Gigi hesitated like a deer in headlights, then walked over with a faux smile. Frank slipped away into the kitchen.

“I want you to ask him one thing,” Ryan commanded, pointing at Chad. “Ask him why he did not pledge with us final 12 months.” Chad gritted his tooth on the request. However Sarah slipped into her function fluidly, working her tongue up Ryan’s cheek. And within the nook of her eye, Gigi watched Frank open the cupboards below the kitchen sink.

Gigi cleared her throat, pretending as if she’d by no means met this Chad earlier than. “Pray inform the rationale,” she performed alongside, “why a pathetic cretin of a specimen did not pump the mandatory quantity of testosterone into the heartbeat of this fraternal group!”

“It’s as a result of Ryan fucked his mother!” Sarah teased, nuzzling Ryan’s cheek. “And poor Chad bought butthurt and backed out.”

“Um…sure, that’s…fairly a disgrace!” Gigi mentioned, making an attempt to cover her shock and pity.

Chad glared daggers in any respect three of them. Fuck you, his expression mentioned. However Sarah and Gigi knew that Chad reserved his anger for Ryan and Ryan alone. Earlier than Chad may make a comeback, the doorbell rang.

“Get the door, cuck,” Ryan commanded, elevating his eighth glass of Jack and Coke.

Chad stood up, balling his fists. He walked previous the frat boys, feeling 100 condescending gazes on his again. He swung the door open to see two tired-looking middle-aged blondes on the doorstep. And in contrast to the youthful Gigi and Sarah, these actual prostitutes have been caked with make-up and smelled of quick meals and their final shopper’s cologne.

“Ry!” one of many girls known as out in a deep smoker’s voice. “You have been supposed to choose us up from the curb, asshole!”

Ryan shot out of his chair, almost knocking Sarah over. In his slender, inebriated thoughts, this entire scheme fell collectively like a grade faculty puzzle. Chad’s sudden return to the frat home. The younger, faux “hookers” who he’d by no means seen earlier than. And the ultimate piece of that puzzle was Frank, who was now slowly creeping out the again door with Ryan’s purple vase…

“Yo, now we have intruders within the frat home!” Ryan bellowed. “All people stomp their asses!”

Chad lunged at Ryan, decking him within the face. Ryan collapsed onto the eating room desk, taking the tablecloth and drinks with him. Gigi, Sarah, and Chad sprinted out the again door.

“Tweed, launch the beast!” Chad yelled. Tweed let go of Chonk’s leash. The salivating 200-pound mastiff charged towards the again door like a shower salt zombie, blocking the exit and attacking the raging frat boys with kisses.

“Fuck you, grasping pigs!” Tweed yelled as Frank arrived with the vase. “Pricey Camus, this factor smells like filthy capitalists!” He shortly tied the vase to the mortar.

“There’s…one thing sloshing round in there, my dude,” Sarah chimed in, holding her nostril.

“You probably did it, Frank!” Gigi cheered, panting.

“And on the rooftop we could quickly break bread, my Gigi,” Frank declared as the group of brothers closed in. “However tender! I have to disappear for however a second!”

Frank sprinted into the woods earlier than the oncoming Greek invasion may spot him. Whereas Gigi watched him depart, Sarah snatched her wrist and checked her pulse.

“Your coronary heart’s beating, roomie,” Sarah mentioned, winking at her. “That Italian boy should’ve actually executed a quantity on you.”

Gigi blushed, shaking her head frantically. “Um…it will need to have been the chocolate!”

The fireworks rig was prepared, simply in time for Ryan and his military to type a blockade within the yard. One of many frat boys dangled a pizza crust in entrance of Chonk, who had clearly switched groups.

“Should you don’t give that again, I’ll shank you in your sleep,” Ryan’s voice trembled, eyeing the stolen vase.

“Honest warning: you guys may wanna again the fuck up,” Chad sneered. “Hit it, Tweed!”

Tweed lit the brief fuse, launching what was really an urn into the sky. Everybody marveled because it exploded into one million items, scattering Tagg’s vomit and the ashes of the late Chadwick Hughes all around the yard. Ryan wiped his filthy face between erratic shrieks and fell to his knees.

Out of nowhere, Frank plowed by way of the hedges in his Benz. “I pray you sheepish fools get within the vehicle!” he yelled. Sarah, Gigi, Tweed, and Chad slipped in, and Frank sped away.


Later at Firewater Corridor, Winston took the steps to the seventh flooring. Sarah was smacking the door with a hammer, making an attempt to re-align it with the hinges.

“Hey, sis,” Winston greeted, sober. “You wouldn’t occur to know the place Gigi is, would ya?”

“Yep, I do,” she responded, pounding away with out him. “And I’m not telling you the place she is.”

Sarah had simply drawn a line within the sand. And after a lifetime of rising up along with her, Winston revered her an excessive amount of to dare cross it.

“So, what venture are ya noodlin’ with so late at night time?” Winston requested.

“Oh, this? Effectively, I made the error of sacrificing my very own privateness in order that I may hold a more in-depth eye on my roommate and a sure sibling I do know. However after Gigi informed me what occurred tonight between my aforementioned sibling and one other girl, I made a decision that I not had something to fret about.”

With one last pound of the hammer, the hinges snapped again into place.


After Frank dropped Gigi off at Firewater, she walked towards Rumwood Lake. Sober, and with a pounding headache, she arrived after midnight. She peered on the watery grave that had claimed the late Chadwick years in the past.

Gigi reached into her purse and pulled out Winston’s Single Motion Military revolver. Then, she reared again and tossed it into the middle of the lake. Plop. With a protracted sigh, she circled to go away. Then, remembering South App etiquette, she reached into her purse and fetched the nearly-empty pint of Jäger.

“I’m so sorry, Chadwick!” she yelled, pouring the remainder of the liquor on the bottom. “You didn’t deserve what we did to you again there.”

Footsteps approached from behind. “Ah, the late Sir Chadwick,” Frank marveled. Earlier than she may react, he positioned his fingers on her shoulders. “His stays doth pepper the greenery of the brotherhood he so bravely based. I’d say that’s exactly what he wished.”

He started massaging her headache away. Gigi closed her eyes and smiled. “Um…you adopted me right here?”

“I needed not so that you can stroll alone, as bawdy fraternity brethren of excessive sexual prowess are liable to hunt these streets at night time.”

“Thanks, Frank,” she responded softly, almost falling asleep standing up.

“Thank me you shall not. Comply with me you shall.”

Frank led Gigi to the sting of the lake. Underneath tree limbs, there was a small canoe within the water. He stepped in first, then held Gigi’s hand to maintain her stability. She yelped because the boat rocked, clutching Frank’s sleeve. However when all was nonetheless, he grabbed an oar and rowed towards the middle of the lake.

“Alas, maybe you subscribe to the foolish tales surrounding this sacred lake?” Frank requested, bringing the boat to a cease. “You have been…pouring one out for Chadwick, have been you not?”

Gigi froze, embarrassed to be seen practising such a superstitious campus customized.

“I…um,” Gigi fumbled. “It’s my want to pay respects for many who are not with us! In order that I could also be as form to the fallen as I’m to folks on this Earth! Seeing as they will not communicate for themselves, and-“

“How anxious you’re!” Frank interrupted, unwrapping a chocolate truffle. “I bid you lay again and fill your ideas with imminent tremendous Italian delicacies.”

Frank positioned the truffle on Gigi’s tongue, then kissed her.

They fell again into the canoe, making out in one another’s arms. A mellow excessive enveloped them like a two-person cocoon. In the meantime, Chadwick’s spirit lastly rested beneath that lake, granting Frank and Gigi privateness till the morning gentle.

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